Pattern

2011-10-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

Never ever wanted my kids to feel or Go through what i did. I know my mo
Worked hard and did her best but it was hard. I refuse to allow my kids to feel that. I'm not saying give them everything they want, but not let them feel the struggle or have to deal with our problems.. My heart is so heavy.. Little one can't do dance this month. Items needed for home, car issue. Making me cry... Is it a pattern? My parents struggled,not enough money. Place to place...How do I break the curse? Is it a curse? So my kids will have better futures. Reach higher.not settle. Not be afraid of change and journeys, and to take risks. I hope I have not failed. Making them see how important their decisions are that will affect them later. So husband says "you can't go back to that hurt girl and parent from there". Am I? I thought i was just protecting my kids. Wanting better for them. I think im better than how I've lived, does that sound prideful? Or ungrateful? my future seemed bright, big dreams.. It's not how it should be! I don't blame anyone but me! I do not want kids to feel the same or be limited. They need to find a bakance. Do I have the power in me to break the pattern? Is it too late?

Torn

2011-10-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Its funny how certain things in life really stress us out.
I tend to dwell or fixate on certain areas. For today it's finances. It seems this comes up alot bcuz there doesn't seem to be enough resources coming in. I sit and think about how I can fix it. Then I'm reminded that God is in control and we live in his economy. Honestly that sounds awesome and I want to believe it with my whole heart. I know I should believe and live it, and wait for it.. But it is so hard to put into practice, when u don't know what u r making for dinner, and not because there is too much to choose from, but because there is nothing but chili in freezer. It's funny cuz we have stuff in our lives that are not a necessity and I would turn it all off to catch up except there are penalties and fees if you do. As I write I think what is the real problem? Its my fault. Then it brings me back to how can I change it? How can I fix it? Back in my hands. Easy solution..get a better paying job. Right? Well I don't want to give up my commitments and what I love doing. Sounds selfish.. Then I feel bad bcuz what about my family and my commitment to them. They feel the pressure of not enough money, only one car... Etc.. My job.. good insurance and all but it's just not enough. I hate feeling torn and unsure. Something has to change... I pray.. I wait... I think.. I worry.. I stress. Next step unclear. Answer please fall in my lap! :) Not likely!

My heart My mind

Pattern

Torn